One of the greatest challenges to maintaining healthy relationships, be that with friends or a spouse is the ‘C’ word – Communication!
Too often we believe the louder we yell the more control we assert and increase our chances of being heard. Nothing could be further from the truth. The moment a situation escalates to yelling, name calling or throwing inanimate objects, ALL control is lost. Conversely, passive aggressiveness, or shutting down are also not ideal ways of exerting control or communicating.
Tips to good communication.
- Focus on the issue: The moment we personalise things, we lose sight of the issue. Remember two or more perspectives are weighing in on the issue. Make the issue the focal point not the person.
‘I appreciate we all have different opinions about this situation, perhaps we could list down the pros and cons and see what we come up with.’
- Reflective listening: When we focus only on what we need to get across we don’t hear the other person. Reflective listening slows down conversations and emotional responses. Before responding, re-state what the other person has said so that you know you have heard them correctly and you’re both on the same page.
‘So, what I’m hearing is that you would prefer ….., have concerns about ….., is that right?’
- Use of pronouns: Blaming the other person loses sight of the issue. Pronouns like ‘you’ and ‘your’, and sweeping statements like ‘you never’, ‘you always’ are finger-pointing language. These will immediately put a wedge between you and the other person and are unlikely to resolve anything, as the other person gets their hackles up.
‘I feel disappointed when …..’ ‘This situation makes me feel …..’ ‘I feel anxious when we don’t …..’
- Time out: We give our kids time out and we should give ourselves time out also. Take the opportunity to do something that will de-escalate your emotional state. Using alcohol or other substances are unhelpful here, all that amounts to is avoidance. But it’s a delicate balance, always walking away when things escalate is also unhelpful as the other person may interpret that as a lack of interest.
‘I’m wondering if we could take a break and come back to this conversation in half-an-hour or after …..?’
- Resolution focused: Control is often misinterpreted as always having the last say, always being right or people acquiescing to our way. But that’s not being resolution focused. Compromise more closely resembles control. When we compromise, we are saying we want everyone to benefit from the situation, not just ourselves. Asking ourselves, ‘in the greater scheme of things, how important is this to me, the relationship or the other person?’ Being in control is often giving control to another.
‘I can see that this means a lot to you, and l’m happy for us to do ….., or go to …... Could we also ….., find the time for …..?’
If the heart of communication is a desire to foster interconnectedness, then relationships have a better chance at thriving. Tweaking old ways of doing things can yield amazing results.
Albert Einstein said – ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again and expecting a different result’.
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