What is a boundary? Some define it as “a line or something that marks a limit or border” or “a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin, and the other person ends.”
How does one identify a boundary violation? This is a little more interesting – because violations of boundaries can often start with innocent behaviour and quickly deteriorate into problematic behaviours.
Value of boundaries: They enable us to define ourselves and our presence in this world. They are essential to emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.
There are five areas where boundaries can be violated – emotional, material, time/energy, mental and physical. No doubt you can think of additional concerns to list under each domain. Here are some to get you thinking.
Remember boundary violations can be two-way.
Emotional violations:
- Repeatedly sacrificing one’s plan(s) to please another person(s).
- Co-dependent relationships - allowing another person whether that are a romantic partner or close friend, dictate one’s mood, or degree of happiness or sadness.
- Failing to take responsibility for behaviours and placing the blame on others.
Material violations:
- Material goods are used as a form of manipulation to keep another compliant or dependent.
- Strings attached to the use of an item or the offer of material support.
Time/Energy violations:
- When services are expected for free or at a discount.
- Repeated lateness and excessive contact with little regard for the time of day/night.
- Frequently asking for favours.
Mental violations:
- Denying another person the freedom to have their own thoughts or beliefs.
- Making another person feel they are of lesser worth through words or actions.
- Gaslighting.
Physical violations:
- Unwanted touch or PDA.
- Unwanted sexual innuendo.
- Demanding sex or sexual favours.
- Reading another persons’ personal information without consent.
- Denying a person their personal time and space.
What drives failure to enforce boundaries?
FEAR – of confrontation, fear of not being loved, fear of not being accepted, fear of not gaining something of importance, fear of abandonment and fear of missing out.
Setting healthy boundaries
1) Identify areas where boundaries need to be enforced.
2) Write them on a piece of paper and alongside them, list the positives that will ensue if they are enforced and list the negatives if they are not.
3) Write out how and when would be an ideal time to broach the subject with a particular person(s) and what you would say.
4) Refine what you want to say until you are happy with it, then make a time for that conversation to occur, and communicate with conviction.
5) Don’t apologise! Don’t justify! Don’t feel guilty about taking back control!
6) Remember, one cannot control another person’s reactions to our boundaries.
7) Boundaries take time to become the ‘new norm’. It’s a journey!
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